Tuesday, June 23, 2015

It's official...

I am the worst blogger in the history of bloggers! I completely admit that my follow through is complete and total shit! I don't know why... it has always been that way for me with writing. It's strange because I love to do it and am really excellent at it, so you'd think I would do it more often or at least be more consistent about the writing that I do start. Well, what can I say? We all squander some of our gifts, don't we?

In my own defense, it is on my bucket list to complete something written. I have yet to determine what that might be... but it's on the list.

The last time I wrote, I was stimming and getting bloated. Everything felt pretty good, no real pain to speak of. My trigger was a breeze, which I was a bit concerned about. I had a really bad reaction to a trigger shot once, so I was prepared for just about anything. Turns out, it was the easiest of all of my shots.

                                       Retrieval Day!

Things couldn't have been smoother. I was knocked out, which should go without saying considering what they're getting ready to do to you! I wore a necklace that belonged to my grandmother, my Hope necklace and my Kokopelli necklace. I also had on my Kokopelli bracelet and my fish bracelet. My other grandmother would always dream of fish whenever someone was expecting... so, the bracelet has always made me think of her.

When I woke up, they told me they had retrieved 13 eggs! Tears of happiness started rolling down my cheeks, which everyone thought was so sweet. The next thing I remember was waking up and feeling some cramps that weren't unbearable, but they weren't nice either. I mentioned it to the nurse and she shot something into my IV that made the cramps disappear within about 5 minutes... never to return! I dunno what that was... but it's some good shit!

I spent the next few days on bed rest and that's when things started feeling sore. My ovaries felt full and achy, but again... nothing unbearable.

The next day the call from embryology came. Of our 13 eggs, only 6 were mature. Of those 6, only 3 had fertilized normally. 1 was abnormal and "missing a piece", so it never stood a chance. The other 2 were given a 10% chance of making it, so we should operate on the theory that the 3 we had were the 3 we had. Our fertilization rate was really good though, no ICSI required.

I've gotta be honest, I felt a little deflated. It was like my eggs had gone through the Hunger Games overnight. I mean, I knew the chances of them ALL fertilizing was low and I never expected it... but I didn't expect to go from 13 to 3! D reminded me that it only takes 1 and that 3 was still really good.

The next day's call informed us that we currently had 4 good looking embryos! That's right... 4! One of my little 10 percenters decided they just weren't gonna give up and wound up catching up! I was told they were growing perfectly and that transfer would be the following morning at 10:15. I'd have to drink 32 oz of water and take a Valium an hour beforehand.

                                      Transfer Day!

We suited up, I had blood taken and we headed to the back. The embryologist came out and gave us the status of our embies. We would be transferring one 8 cell and one 6 cell. Another 8 cell and a 4 cell would become our snowbabies! The embryologist took D's phone to the lab and snapped pics for us.

Those were some of the most amazing images I had ever seen in my entire life. While I would have preferred to NOT have to go this route... this is one of the very special things you only get to experience if you DO have to go this route. It is definitely something I will never forget. 

I wound up passing out in that lovely chair there while waiting for them to call us back. That Valium certainly did it's thing! The only thing that wound up waking me was the horrific pain from my bladder that was sick and damn tired of holding those 32 oz of water. I'm not talking "Oh, I really gotta pee." I'm talking "Why am I being stabbed through my vagina? And if I don't pee soon... I'm gonna pee soon." D found one of the nurses and asked if they'd be taking me soon because I was struggling. The nurse came and got me and let me pee one and a half styrofoam coffee cups worth of pee and then it was off to the races!

The RE, who is referred to as The Queen (same one who did my retrieval) was doing my transfer. The most uncomfortable part was the speculum... How I hate Mr. Ducky. The nurse turned the screen so that we could see everything, pointing out where my uterus was, etc. I'm holding D's hand for dear life, preparing for the catheter... because those usually kinda suck for me.

The nurse could tell I was nervous so she told me "Just watch the screen, you'll be able to see exactly when it happens and you won't even notice." The catheter was handed to the RE and my eyes then fixed on the screen. I gotta say, I knew the precise moment the catheter went in because I saw it on the screen, but I felt nothing. The next thing I knew, we saw a little flash of light and were told those were our babies!

After resting for 10 minutes, D and I went and had a wonderful lunch at a great Mexican restaurant and then made the trek back home.

At 3dp3dt I felt sharp stabbing pains on my left side. The following week consisted of sporadic stabbing pains, some AF type cramps and a touch of nausea. I'd never experienced those symptoms on progesterone before, so it made me hopeful.

I'm not a tester. I don't pee on things because they have always given me nothing but bad news. So I decided that I would wait until my beta, which wouldn't be until 16dp3dt. I know to some, that seems crazy. How could you wait that long? Wouldn't the anticipation kill you?

Actually... no. I had a pretty peaceful wait. I felt a quiet confidence that I couldn't really explain... hoping inside that I wouldn't be fooled once again. When you've had the journey I've had... you're in no rush to see that BFN. This time, I knew I had actual fertilized embryos inside of me, which gave me a different feeling.

Yesterday was the big day. I made the long drive to Jersey for my blood test and told them to call D at home since I had some errands to do with my parents and, God forbid it was bad news, I didn't wanna be driving while ugly-crying. I didn't wind up getting home until after 5pm... blood was drawn around 11!

So... all the months, all the driving, all the shots, all the hopes and prayers came down to this one moment. After D told me the news, I headed straight for the bathroom. It was finally my turn to see those 2 beautiful pink lines and that gorgeous word "Pregnant"!

I can still hardly believe it! I am finally reading the Pregnancy books that I have packed away and refused to allow myself to read until I knew I was expecting. All of the things I have to look forward to are flooding my mind... Mommy magazines, ultrasounds, a growing belly, baby movements... a baby shower!!

On the drive home, I heard Best Day of My Life by American Authors... yeah, that pretty much nailed it!